As yet Untitled

It's the middle of the night my love, and I find myself lying in bed hurting for your touch, hurting to feel you, hurting to be with you. You have become a part of the essense of who I am. It's like being a tree with no leaves, a bird with no wings, or a heart with no beat. I cannot be complete without you.

Apology

Why did I let you back into my life again after all of these years where you lived as a fond memory of my first love.

Why did I let myself get so wrapped up in the thrill of it all that I allowed myself to get lost in your words. It took me 10 years to claim my life as mine, yet a few words from you took all of that away from me for a short while. I will survive this. I will put it behind me, but for now the open wound exposed to the air and the light burns.

You said you wanted to apologize for what you had did. It would have been better for me if you hadn't - and lived on as a memory.

If you truly cared about me, you would have left me alone to live my life without you as I have done for the past 30 years.

I hope you feel better about yourself, because you left me feeling like shit all over again. I hope you got what you wanted. I hope you satified your selfish need to feel better at my expense.

Old Wounds

Pick. Pick..Pick

The skin begins to rip rip rip…

But here we are pick pick pick…

Expose the wound to open air…..

Reliving old pain for reasons we don’t know….

Traveled so far down a road only to look up to see…

We have traveled in a circle right back to where this all started…..

This was not the plan…..the journey began as a way to close the circle…

But it turned against me and just opened an old wound.

So starts the healing process again.

Lesson learned?

It's Amazing

I find it truely amazing that we can take a comment from an outsider ....someone who we have no more than a passing aquaintance....and make us feel less than.

I was friend "pinged" by someone online who thought I was someone they went to highschool with. While we did attend the same school, he had the right first name with the wrong last name. When he discovered that I was not who he thought I was, just someone else that shared the same first name of this other person, someone who did not belong to his crowd in school, someone I had forgotten about, he rudely dismissed our text messages with the same dismissive attitude I do remember him having in highschool. Highschool for chr#$t sakes.

Now while my adult mind can stand back and appauld his lack of growth as a person, I find it truely amazing that I let this person hurt who I am. My rational mind knows that this entire event is not worth wasting any emotion on, but yet in the small places that our true selves hide in the corners of our hearts, souls and minds, I still find this hurt little person. Why do we let such dismissive people make us feel less than. ....

I sit here tonight and can count the many wonderful loving supportive people in my life. Many many more than I can ever deserve, but yet this little flea of a being made me feel less than.....

Why don't we both just get it?

We spent a wonderful evening having dinner with friends......but between us, there was still an underlying anger. We have become more polite to friends and co-workers than each other. Why can't be both just let each other be. Why can't we treat each other like we treat our friends. Neither one of us would ever say the things we say - or allow to be unsaid to our friends, so why do we treat each other less than. I would not choose to be friends with someone who makes me feel like he does, and I would bet he feels much the same way, but why do we tolerate this from each other. Why is this OK. I guess the shear fact that this comes up tonight, makes it not OK for me. Why don't we both just get it?

A Simple Cup of Coffee

That is how it all started. Just a single cup of coffee. I have been in this consuming relationship for the past fifteen years, and have never gotten a single cup of coffee for myself. While this may sound like a good thing I promise you it's not.

My life had become a weight to bear, and I have no-one to blame but my own passive submission to the process. Little by little my dotting husband has chipped away at the independent me, and I allowed it. Call it laziness, call it apathy, call it stupid, because that is what it was, and the cost had become to high that morning. One dollar and fifty-nine cents to much.

I grew up pretty much afaid of everything my whole life. My mom was afraid of bugs it you went outside, falling and hurting yourself if you played sports, drowning if you went in the pool, afraid of getting hurt if you let anyone in, and afraid of people letting you down. So I pretty much picked up the same fears as a child and carried them with me always. They made me fiercley independent and fiercley lonely for much of my life. As a young adult, and through my first failed marriage, these fears kept me company. I used them to drive me to build a career and a network of friends. I excelled in these areas because when you feel inadequate due to all of those fears, it pushes you to try harder to be liked, to try harder to succeed, and to work really hard at hiding your belief system. The system I like to call - "You Suck."

But on that cool breezy Sunday morning when my husband was off at work, and we had just spent another wonderful Saturday evening of tolerating each others compay out of fear of being alone, I found myself again. And maybe an even better version of myself. I took that drive on my own to the local fast food chain, unafraid for the first time if the car broke down. If it did, I could simply walk home, call a friend, call a tow truck, or call a cab. I read somewhere that menopause can cause a re-birthing of a woman's soul. If that is true, than I think I just hit the birth canal.

I am the sum total of my heritage and life expereinces. I am a strong knowledgeable woman with a good heart. If I strike out, I can get back up and swing again. So what have I been afraid of all these years. If a make a bad choice, I can choose again. I am only stuck if I allow myself to be afraid.

I have a network of really good strong friends who don't even realize their own worth because of their own fear based belief system. Imagine the change we could effect in our world if we could just unearth our true selves.

So the question becomes what choices do I make to get myself out of the mess I have created. This list may seem to big to tackle, so I must break it down to manageable bites. I must first stand up and reclaim myself in my current relationship. While he is a good man, I feel strongly that one must be evenly yoked if a relationship is to work. Both people should be strong enough to stand on their own, without fear, before they can stand up together. If they choose to let fear paralyze them, then the relationship is ultimately doomed. You don't have to seperate for a relationship to die. It can die while both people just go unconscious. The spirit and life of the love just dies, and all that remains is a deep sadness and numbness.

I am choosing right now not to live like this anymore. I have decided to rebuild me first. To learn to stand on my own to feet first and stop depending on my husband for security. I am going to start with some simple things. I think I will take a dance class to allow my soul to be free, and it won't hurt to tighten up my thighs some. And I will not be afraid of looking stupid.

I think I will start of a coffee club on Saturday mornings with my friends. A moment in time where we can meet as girls, not wives, moms, daughters, sisters, workers, just women who need time together to help each other stand strong and laugh. We need to laugh. Oh boy do we need to laugh.

I think that is a good start for the next few weeks. Maybe by getting better, my husband will want to get better too. But I will not put that expectation on him or the marriage. I can choose to do that now.

Don't say good bye - just leave

Don’t say good bye – just leave.

Don’t say the mean hurtful things your are thinking….You don’t have to …I see them in your face.

You just don’t know how to let us go….but it is happening anyway.

I wish I could just fly away from here, my life, what we have become, and never look back….but we don’t get our wishes do we.

This isn’t how it all started…..I remember a time when we laughed, and brought out the best of each other. Now all we bring out is bitterness and anger.

I cannot help that life became so hard. These burdens were not my choice…..not my wishes…..they were just thrust upon us. We just made our foundation on sand.
And now it is crumbling.

If I could go back in time, to the day this all started, I would have been a small voice in my ear, urging me not to go down this path. Make another turn, but I can’t.