Why don't we both just get it?

We spent a wonderful evening having dinner with friends......but between us, there was still an underlying anger. We have become more polite to friends and co-workers than each other. Why can't be both just let each other be. Why can't we treat each other like we treat our friends. Neither one of us would ever say the things we say - or allow to be unsaid to our friends, so why do we treat each other less than. I would not choose to be friends with someone who makes me feel like he does, and I would bet he feels much the same way, but why do we tolerate this from each other. Why is this OK. I guess the shear fact that this comes up tonight, makes it not OK for me. Why don't we both just get it?

A Simple Cup of Coffee

That is how it all started. Just a single cup of coffee. I have been in this consuming relationship for the past fifteen years, and have never gotten a single cup of coffee for myself. While this may sound like a good thing I promise you it's not.

My life had become a weight to bear, and I have no-one to blame but my own passive submission to the process. Little by little my dotting husband has chipped away at the independent me, and I allowed it. Call it laziness, call it apathy, call it stupid, because that is what it was, and the cost had become to high that morning. One dollar and fifty-nine cents to much.

I grew up pretty much afaid of everything my whole life. My mom was afraid of bugs it you went outside, falling and hurting yourself if you played sports, drowning if you went in the pool, afraid of getting hurt if you let anyone in, and afraid of people letting you down. So I pretty much picked up the same fears as a child and carried them with me always. They made me fiercley independent and fiercley lonely for much of my life. As a young adult, and through my first failed marriage, these fears kept me company. I used them to drive me to build a career and a network of friends. I excelled in these areas because when you feel inadequate due to all of those fears, it pushes you to try harder to be liked, to try harder to succeed, and to work really hard at hiding your belief system. The system I like to call - "You Suck."

But on that cool breezy Sunday morning when my husband was off at work, and we had just spent another wonderful Saturday evening of tolerating each others compay out of fear of being alone, I found myself again. And maybe an even better version of myself. I took that drive on my own to the local fast food chain, unafraid for the first time if the car broke down. If it did, I could simply walk home, call a friend, call a tow truck, or call a cab. I read somewhere that menopause can cause a re-birthing of a woman's soul. If that is true, than I think I just hit the birth canal.

I am the sum total of my heritage and life expereinces. I am a strong knowledgeable woman with a good heart. If I strike out, I can get back up and swing again. So what have I been afraid of all these years. If a make a bad choice, I can choose again. I am only stuck if I allow myself to be afraid.

I have a network of really good strong friends who don't even realize their own worth because of their own fear based belief system. Imagine the change we could effect in our world if we could just unearth our true selves.

So the question becomes what choices do I make to get myself out of the mess I have created. This list may seem to big to tackle, so I must break it down to manageable bites. I must first stand up and reclaim myself in my current relationship. While he is a good man, I feel strongly that one must be evenly yoked if a relationship is to work. Both people should be strong enough to stand on their own, without fear, before they can stand up together. If they choose to let fear paralyze them, then the relationship is ultimately doomed. You don't have to seperate for a relationship to die. It can die while both people just go unconscious. The spirit and life of the love just dies, and all that remains is a deep sadness and numbness.

I am choosing right now not to live like this anymore. I have decided to rebuild me first. To learn to stand on my own to feet first and stop depending on my husband for security. I am going to start with some simple things. I think I will take a dance class to allow my soul to be free, and it won't hurt to tighten up my thighs some. And I will not be afraid of looking stupid.

I think I will start of a coffee club on Saturday mornings with my friends. A moment in time where we can meet as girls, not wives, moms, daughters, sisters, workers, just women who need time together to help each other stand strong and laugh. We need to laugh. Oh boy do we need to laugh.

I think that is a good start for the next few weeks. Maybe by getting better, my husband will want to get better too. But I will not put that expectation on him or the marriage. I can choose to do that now.

Don't say good bye - just leave

Don’t say good bye – just leave.

Don’t say the mean hurtful things your are thinking….You don’t have to …I see them in your face.

You just don’t know how to let us go….but it is happening anyway.

I wish I could just fly away from here, my life, what we have become, and never look back….but we don’t get our wishes do we.

This isn’t how it all started…..I remember a time when we laughed, and brought out the best of each other. Now all we bring out is bitterness and anger.

I cannot help that life became so hard. These burdens were not my choice…..not my wishes…..they were just thrust upon us. We just made our foundation on sand.
And now it is crumbling.

If I could go back in time, to the day this all started, I would have been a small voice in my ear, urging me not to go down this path. Make another turn, but I can’t.

Goodbye to a friend

They met as children…the world would have called them young adults, but they were just children. So full of enthusiasm and energy for their futures.

One came from a broken home, but had the love of a wonderful mom. One came from a home that should have been broken, but wasn’t.

Each from a different prospective, but sharing the same path for a brief while. They shared in each others joys and wept through each others tragedies.

Time flew by, and life became hard. Illness set in, marriages became tough, careers did not work out how they were thought they should have been. A coldness set in.

For one, apathy took it’s toll. For the other, bitterness became abundant. One turned to drink, one turned on life. From the same path, they emerged on the other side miles apart.

What had happened to that shared trek? Life had beat them up, and though they thought they were of a shared journey, they truly weren’t.

You see, the past they each experienced as children had prepared them differently. The strengths of their lessons, and the holes left in their souls had made them totally different on the inside. To the world they looked the same, but they were different.

Not right, not wrong, just different. This is were the journey gets rough. Not understanding these differences, they fell away from each other. Never truly knowing why. What words had been said to drive the wedge between them. What actions had been neglected to cause the drift.

A sadness now exists where a friendship had lived.

He says he loves her....

He says he loves her….
She doesn’t see it.

He gives with strings…
She hurts with words.

He turns inside…
She turns away.

He couldn’t stop it…
She couldn’t stay.

When had this started….
They both hadn’t noticed.

When did the love drift….
They just went along.

When did the anger build….
They just have to hold on.

Bitter and broken…..
Their souls laid out bare.

With no one to turn to…
So filled with despair.

All that remains is to tie up the ends….
Through what door do they walk?

It all depends…