A Simple Cup of Coffee

That is how it all started. Just a single cup of coffee. I have been in this consuming relationship for the past fifteen years, and have never gotten a single cup of coffee for myself. While this may sound like a good thing I promise you it's not.

My life had become a weight to bear, and I have no-one to blame but my own passive submission to the process. Little by little my dotting husband has chipped away at the independent me, and I allowed it. Call it laziness, call it apathy, call it stupid, because that is what it was, and the cost had become to high that morning. One dollar and fifty-nine cents to much.

I grew up pretty much afaid of everything my whole life. My mom was afraid of bugs it you went outside, falling and hurting yourself if you played sports, drowning if you went in the pool, afraid of getting hurt if you let anyone in, and afraid of people letting you down. So I pretty much picked up the same fears as a child and carried them with me always. They made me fiercley independent and fiercley lonely for much of my life. As a young adult, and through my first failed marriage, these fears kept me company. I used them to drive me to build a career and a network of friends. I excelled in these areas because when you feel inadequate due to all of those fears, it pushes you to try harder to be liked, to try harder to succeed, and to work really hard at hiding your belief system. The system I like to call - "You Suck."

But on that cool breezy Sunday morning when my husband was off at work, and we had just spent another wonderful Saturday evening of tolerating each others compay out of fear of being alone, I found myself again. And maybe an even better version of myself. I took that drive on my own to the local fast food chain, unafraid for the first time if the car broke down. If it did, I could simply walk home, call a friend, call a tow truck, or call a cab. I read somewhere that menopause can cause a re-birthing of a woman's soul. If that is true, than I think I just hit the birth canal.

I am the sum total of my heritage and life expereinces. I am a strong knowledgeable woman with a good heart. If I strike out, I can get back up and swing again. So what have I been afraid of all these years. If a make a bad choice, I can choose again. I am only stuck if I allow myself to be afraid.

I have a network of really good strong friends who don't even realize their own worth because of their own fear based belief system. Imagine the change we could effect in our world if we could just unearth our true selves.

So the question becomes what choices do I make to get myself out of the mess I have created. This list may seem to big to tackle, so I must break it down to manageable bites. I must first stand up and reclaim myself in my current relationship. While he is a good man, I feel strongly that one must be evenly yoked if a relationship is to work. Both people should be strong enough to stand on their own, without fear, before they can stand up together. If they choose to let fear paralyze them, then the relationship is ultimately doomed. You don't have to seperate for a relationship to die. It can die while both people just go unconscious. The spirit and life of the love just dies, and all that remains is a deep sadness and numbness.

I am choosing right now not to live like this anymore. I have decided to rebuild me first. To learn to stand on my own to feet first and stop depending on my husband for security. I am going to start with some simple things. I think I will take a dance class to allow my soul to be free, and it won't hurt to tighten up my thighs some. And I will not be afraid of looking stupid.

I think I will start of a coffee club on Saturday mornings with my friends. A moment in time where we can meet as girls, not wives, moms, daughters, sisters, workers, just women who need time together to help each other stand strong and laugh. We need to laugh. Oh boy do we need to laugh.

I think that is a good start for the next few weeks. Maybe by getting better, my husband will want to get better too. But I will not put that expectation on him or the marriage. I can choose to do that now.